i like looking at my old stretch marks. they are faded white and shiny and plentiful. the smaller i get the more they stop bothering me. they’re the fault lines on my surface that for me are becoming testaments to the pain i’ve been through, they’re why i’m as strong as i am. they are the same as the scars from the falls and the premature wrinkles around my mouth from being able to smile about it all. most people would assume i wanted to hide these things, but i’m proud of the life i’ve lived. idk. everything is making so much sense lately that it’s almost silly.
why do i ignore my impulses and make excuses for the few people i care about because i’ll always pick their happiness over mine? why would i risk letting something that could be really special go just because it doesn’t meet my incredibly long long list of high standards? do i even have what it takes to be someone’s girlfriend when i’m so comfortable and happy being alone? why am i even talking about it?
have nearly enough psychedelia in my life. :( it makes me wonder though if i’ll ever be able to enjoy marijuana again. it’s been three weeks since i was diagnosed, and then the surgery (not related) made it impossible, but it makes me sad to think that i won’t be able to enjoy…
I just wanted to give you my two cents on this subject, because I find myself pondering the same type of things all the time. You’re definitely not the only one that over analyzes everything when you’re high. I find myself doing that all the time. That’s not what the problem is, weed is not the problem. Weed is only a mechanism that allows you to achieve a different perspective. What you may stumble upon when you’re high via that new perspective is something that was already there, you’re just thinking of it in a different light. I used to have the worst anxiety attacks when I got high, but I’ve learned that if you train your mind to realize that weed is not something to be afraid of, then it becomes a lot easier to avoid panic attacks in such situations.
I apologize for this sounding agonizingly formal, but I do hope that it may have helped you a little bit. Weed is a gift from God and I’d love for everyone to be able to enjoy it<3
By the way, I feel as if every time I read up on your blog I find more and more similarities between you and I. Perhaps you are my doppleganger, not aesthetically, but psychologically?
I wish you well on recovering from the tonselectomy, those things are the worst. I had mine when I was six ): The ice cream didn’t seem to help at all. Haha<3
haha i’m always finding your posts late :( but at the risk of repeating you, i indeed think we were cut from the same cloth. whenever i read your blog i find the similarities striking as well. could you be my sister from another mister? haha what can i say, we’re pretty awesome. ;)
but as for weed itself, that beautiful herb has never been the problem. i don’t think i had an issue until sometime last summer (exes can really fuck up your head) but that fall it only intensified. i would blame the people i would surround myself with, like they were doing something to MAKE me paranoid, but it would just get worse. i’d smoke with friends and just not talk for hours, finding any excuse to leave. i would still enjoy smoking by myself but then i realized i would get the same way around my family, even though they’re cool.
so i ended up just quitting, and my anxiety all came to a head a few weeks ago when i had the worst panic attack yet but it kind of changed my life. for the better. and ativan, have you ever tried it? it really does wonders for me, while xanax did the complete opposite.
jsfhjkhd basically i guess what i’m trying to say is that the change starts with myself, and i’d like to say if i do end up smoking again in the near future it’s going to be much different, because I’M much different.
idk, blah blah blah. but you’re a doll sarah :D
p.s. it’s been 16 days since my surgery and i’m alllllmost back to normal. (: woohoooo.
have nearly enough psychedelia in my life. :( it makes me wonder though if i’ll ever be able to enjoy marijuana again. it’s been three weeks since i was diagnosed, and then the surgery (not related) made it impossible, but it makes me sad to think that i won’t be able to enjoy its beauty again if all i end up doing is panicking and analyzing the shit out of E V E R Y T H I N G.
seriously, i can’t be the only one who does this.
but i suppose that since i’m treating it, and i can honestly say that i am a different person from who i was this time last month, then maybe it’s not even going to be a problem.
i don’t remember where i heard it, but i have “the enemy you know is always better than the one you don’t” repeating itself in my head so maybe i’m wasting keystrokes? i have many problems, as we all do, but i find life much easier if i at least know what the problems are.