"how lucky you must feel that i’m willing to lie through my teeth to milk your deflated ego; fairness playing no contribution, but if you must live uncertain about whether i am above ruining you for the fun of it, then i won’t go out of my way to change your mind."
if you go in for surgery and they give you anesthesia, when they tell you you’re going to get a “flush” feeling, it means your vagina is going to feel like it’s being bitten by millions of ants for about five seconds so watch out
“‘Anyways, she fell in love with a poor, jobless slave that lived nearby.’ ….WHAT?! Aw heeeell no, okay I am sorry but if you wanna get in between these hips, you better be packin’ between yo wallet lips homie. I can not be with no broke-ass motherfucker, I mean what if he rips his condom on my piercing and knocks me the fuck up? I can’t afford to have a baby by myself and I definitely can’t have another ‘miscarriage’ because I’ve already had 19 of them this month. I mean if I shove any more of them coat hangers up there Ima look like JC Penny’s on black friday, you know what I’m sayin’? ….’And they all lived broke as a damn joke and unhappily every after. The End.’”
just got home. MY DAY WAS SO TIRING, FUCK. gonna drink my lokos and peruse the magazine i just bought.
it’s called faces or something, and it’s basically just pictures of lady gaga. it was six outrageous dollars but i had to have it. i was kind of embarrassed when i came up to the register because the cashier was like “gaga, huh?” and i was like “ummmm, i never get things like this haha” and he was like “it’s okay, i don’t judge.”
mom: “look at who carrie’s holding.” me: “is that irie?” (cat) mom: “yep.” me: “he’s a bitch.” mom: “he is not!” me: “he’s soooo loud! he meows all the time and wakes me up at night, therefore he is a bitch.” mom: “that doesn’t make him a bitch, it just makes him weird. BECAUSE HE RUNS HIS MOUTH A LOT.” me: “……..HAHAHA I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE”
just made bacon/sausage/egg breakfast tacos for the rest of the week so i won’t have to waste money at the caf. (frugality ^_^) and now i’m watching zim, gonna have some loko for the first time in a while. mi vida es bueno.
First thing you’d do if you switched genders for a day: probably masturbate, cut my hair short, and maybe go to the beach without having to wear a top.
Emotional age: 29.
Population size, landscape, and amenities of dream city: population; 10. landscape; pink clouds. amenities; ice water and soft beds everywhere.
Tumblrs to whom you could swear you’re related: @pahreenah, @sarahkays, @asswhole, @tilyourteethfallout, i’m probably missing some but follow them. you won’t regret it.
Parent you would eat first if stranded in the Andes: if i found myself stranded in the andes, i wouldn’t be able to drag either of my parents. but probably my mom, she has more meat on her bones.
Dream superpower - flight or invisibility: invisibility. always.
Cake or pie: ugh, if i had to choose i’d pick cake. but i’m not a fan of sweets to begin with.
Drugs?: my choices would be marijuana (if i am ever able to smoke around groups of people again without totally shutting down verbally,) alcohol, salvia, dxm, and i’ve yet to try shrooms and LSD, but i am excited for when that day does come.
Person (living, dead, fictional, whatever) for whom you would change your sexual orientation, if only for the one-night stand:
Eat a fetusbabytoddler seven-year-old, or release a (very definitely guilty) death row inmate: release an inmate and call the cops immediately. duh.
Hipster tattoo, if forced to choose - finger mustache or Carl Sagan quote in multicolored Helvetica: oh god, this is hard. how about a multicolored carl sagan quote in the shape of a moustache for da lulz.
Reality tv show on which you would star/compete: rock of love. I WOULD CRUSH DA BITCHES, HE’S MINE I TELL YOU, MIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINE
Dream spot in which to have sex [please don’t say “vagina”] - church, Oval Office, classroom, space shuttle, whatever: wow. well first i’d have a south park style dolphinplasty and bone like crazy under the ocean. i have this thing for water, you see.
Grossest food you’ve ever eaten: it’s a tie between the first time i ever had japanese gelatin candy and the time i thought it’d be a cute idea to pop a cherry tomato in my mouth. both of which were terrible, terrible ideas.